Our Rebuild: "Daddy has cancer..."

“I have cancer.”

That is a hard sentence to say out loud. It is even harder when I am saying it to the person I love. The person that is planning on spending her future with me. And, it’s almost impossible when I have to say it to three young girls, who think I’m invincible.

I told Julie right away. I had no choice. She was standing next to me when I got the call. Plus, she knew this phone call was a probability when I found the lump.

Julie has been amazingly supportive with my career, my past and my dreams for the future. I knew that she would be by my side with this, too. And still, I couldn’t help the feeling that I was letting her down. I knew Julie would keep the show going with a smile on her face (let’s be honest, she was running the show before the cancer), but I also knew she was about to watch me whither away. She was about to witness me transform into a lesser version of myself, and that is not what she signed up for.

I had become that nice timeshare that you think you signed up for, only to find out when you arrive, it’s a bungalow with an outhouse.

I never had to say the word “cancer” to her. She knew from my face, that the news on the other side of the phone was not good. She could see all of the possible scenarios running through my head. She could see me lost in thought, in sadness. And, before I hung up the phone, she reached over and whispered, “It will all be okay.” I’m not sure I believed her then, but I loved the positivity.

It went so smooth with Julie finding out, I was about to bring the kids into the room and have the doctor call me back. I knew that wasn’t an option though. My insurance wouldn’t cover a second phone call.

People have mixed emotions on whether to burden kids regarding scary news, like cancer. I had mixed emotions as well. As a parent, I want to shield them from everything terrifying in this world, even when that terrifying thing is me. I want to preserve their innocence and hide the bad in this world, even if it means lying sometimes. Deep down though, I knew this wasn’t one of those times.

Mainly, because they are nosy. Even worse, they’re smart and nosy. They are like miniature female detectives and I wasn’t sure how long I could get away with the heist.

My fear was that they would catch on quicker than I would give them credit for, and that I would have to back track. My fear was, that once that happened, they wouldn’t trust me.

The heist lasted one day.

“Do you have cancer?” asked my nine-year-old. “What made you ask me that?” I responded with fear. I mean, how could she already know. I wasn’t showing any signs. I haven’t told anyone yet.

“I saw a paper that said ‘cancer’ on it,” she said.

Well, this was the moment of truth. What would I do? “Lie,” I thought. “Postpone the bad? But for how long?” I had so many panicking questions floating around.

Instinct, I guess you could call it, kicked in. “Do you know how there are different types of scratches?” I asked. “I guess so,” they said. “Well, sometimes you get a scratch and its okay all by itself. Other times, you need a band-aid. And sometimes, you need stitches.” I knew I better make a point quick cause I was losing them.

“Daddy has cancer, but it is the band-aid kind. The kind that doctors can fix. I have cancer, but we are going to be okay.”

Was it right? Was it wrong? I don’t know. But after that day, I told them the truth every step of the way. When I started chemo, I warned them of the sick days. They were sweet, encouraging and sympathetic (I miss that part of having cancer). When I knew I would lose my hair, I warned them. We even made a game out of it and guessed what celebrity I would look like (I still say Bruce Willis). And when the community came together to support me, I included my kids.

My kids may not see me as invincible anymore. But, they damn sure see us as invincible.

See also:

Our Rebuild: An Unexpected Hero

Our Rebuild: (Almost) Beaten By A Hair

Our Rebuild: Climbing Past The Plateaus

Our Rebuild: Unity in Our Differences 

Our Rebuild: The Lasting Legacy Of 'Tyler's Ride'