We all know parents who try to do everything themselves. They believe that they have full responsibility over their children because they were the ones who brought them into the world. When you look at the full scope of human history, you quickly realise that the modern concept of parenting is completely at odds with how human beings have always lived.
Historically, parents didn't act alone but instead co-parented with other adults as part of a larger group. This is something that is still seen in hunter-gatherer communities today and in a lot of populations across the world.
Unfortunately, modern parenting culture pushes the myth of the perfect or do-it-all parent. The idea is that people who have children should do everything for them, and that there is minimal responsibility on anybody else. Of course, this leads to exhaustion, resentment, and burnout. Many parents eventually give up asking for help because it's not forthcoming, and also want to maintain complete control over their family lives because of social pressures, which is often counter-productive.
There are some very good reasons why parents need to let go of doing it all.
One of the biggest factors is that it harms children's independence. When parents try to do everything for their kids, it robs them of the ability to develop independent function. They can't build the skills, confidence, and resilience that they need to negotiate with the world. According to some psychologists, this can lead to a situation of learned helplessness. Children begin to believe that they can only achieve things in the world if somebody else does it for them. And this reduces their personal agency.
Another issue is that trying to do everything can lead to parental burnout and overload. The mental overhead of managing every aspect of a child's life, as well as your own, can be excessive. When you're always coordinating activities and planning meals, it reduces your ability to focus on other important areas of life like earning money, leading to anxiety, stress, and resentment. A lot of people resent having children because of this.
Unfortunately, rigid social norms are also pushing away potential adults who could parent children. For example, friends, family, and other people in the community are often able to help but aren't willing because of the restrictions that are now placed on family relationships. This means that many parents feel isolated and cut off from the rest of the world and believe that they have to do everything themselves.
Lastly, parents need to let go of trying to do it all because it can prevent building a real network. True community involvement in child-rearing has declined relentlessly since the 1960s, while responsibilities in the nuclear family have increased substantially. Many commentators are now correctly observing that parents are expected to do everything themselves without a village supporting them, and this feels completely normal.
However, as we already discussed, situations like this are distinctly abnormal and have never occurred in human history before. The goal should be to delegate responsibilities to partners, older kids, or grandparents. This is the way that parenting was done historically and is still done in many parts of the world. This means that parents have more time to themselves and don't have to be constantly involved with the rearing of children. It frees up energy and establishes healthy boundaries.
So, what are some of the things that you can do to stop doing it all and perhaps share the load of parenting with other people?
One of the best things you can do is use platforms like goaupair.com to get formal household support. Inviting an au pair into your home can remove the lion's share of responsibility that you have over your children, while ensuring that they continue to receive the interactions they need to develop in a healthy way.
The nice thing about au pairs is that they are relatively inexpensive, and because it's their job to take care of your children, there's minimal negotiation. All you need to do is pay them and provide them with somewhere to live. They can then take care of things like school runs, doing the laundry, preparing meals, and assisting with extracurricular activities. Many have specific training allowing them to work particularly effectively with young children or children with disabilities.
Another good strategy is to prioritize your self-care and boundaries. If you are overmanaging your children, it actually means you're doing less for your kids. Allowing them some time to play freely and to simply explore their environment is one of the best things you can do in terms of their overall health and development. It can also mean that when you're with them, you're more present and joyful. These emotions are likely to rub off on them and ensure that they have outstanding formative experiences.
If you have a partner, you should also aim to share the load with them. The best way to do this is to assign full ownership over tasks instead of turning everything into a negotiation. For example, if you always take your children to school, it should be your partner's responsibility to plan and prepare meals. The idea here is to prevent one person from micromanaging everything. You want to have a sort of "family system" in place so that every day runs according to a certain schedule where everybody knows their role should be.
Lastly, it's wise to embrace the concept of good enough parenting. You don't have to be perfect and constantly be intervening in your children's lives. All you need to do is provide them with the fertile soil they need to develop into healthy adults, according to www.parents.com. That’s often enough.
