Marriage can be a beautiful union between people, yet it isn’t without its share of arguments and conflicts. Even the strongest couples face disagreements, but the key is to tackle these situations without allowing them to hurt the foundation of your relationship.
A faith-based approach to handling conflicts doesn’t mean you ignore immediate, practical help, such as an anger management class or therapy sessions. However, it also doesn’t mean that you forget the insights and wisdom that faith and spirituality provide.
In this article, let’s explore how you can handle conflicts in a manner that is befitting those who live by faith and feel spiritually led.
If you’re a practicing Christian and read the Bible often, you might have come across Ephesians 4:26. There’s a lot that you can take away from this passage, which goes, “In your anger do not sin.” The verse also goes on to tell us how we shouldn't let the sun go down while we’re still angry.
Pastor Jeffery Curtis Poor provides additional context on this verse, which can help you shift your perspective during heated arguments with your partner. He points out that the passage isn’t telling us to “never get angry.” Instead, it advises that when you do get angry, do not sin.
Pastor Poor explains that we sin not for being angry, but when we let our anger control us. As such, our calling is to not let anger hurt those around us. Similarly, he highlights the danger of letting anger remain unresolved, as that can cause bitterness that hurts your relationship.
Even the ISAE (Institute for Specialized Alternative Education), the organization that offers court-mandated lessons, holds similar beliefs. One of the prime objectives of their anger management classes is to help teach people how to “let go of anger.” A lot of problems can disappear when you realize that it’s you who chooses how to allow your emotions to control your actions and words.
Clear and compassionate communication is the cornerstone of resolving conflicts in any marriage, and it becomes even more meaningful when rooted in faith. Scripture reminds us in James 1:19 to “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.”
Unfortunately, many people choose to engage in patterns of communication that only hurt the marriage. According to Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert and therapist, there are four argument styles that increase conflict and can even lead to divorce. These include arguments arising from criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
Similarly, one of the most common pitfalls during arguments is that each party listens with the intent to reply, rather than to understand the other truly.
Here’s how you can practice active listening:
Communicating with love often relies on having the basic courtesy to really listen to your partner. So, the next time you are trying to argue with your partner, slow down and listen to how you speak. Are you choosing your words to hurt or to heal? Take the initiative and be the first one to try focusing on the latter, and your partner will notice the difference.
There’s this narrative in modern society that marriages have a 50/50 chance of succeeding, but this may not be the entire truth. Social researcher and author Shaunti Feldhahn believes the divorce rate is actually much lower than people believe. Feldhahn spent eight years going over the data and found that this was a complex subject with no single correct figure.
However, what she did find was that for couples active in church, the divorce rate was about 27% to 50% lower than for non-churchgoing couples. The main point here is to not adopt a doom-and-gloom mindset in your marriage.
When difficulties arise, it’s important to remember the vows you made before God. Marriage is a covenant, not a contract. Thus, it’s a promise to remain faithful, even when times get tough. Moreover, in addition to keeping faith in the concept of marriage, also put some faith in your partner.
That means believing and trusting that your spouse is capable of growth and that both of you can overcome challenges together. Read 1 Corinthians 13:7 and note how it tells us that, “Love bears all things”; similarly, it “endures all things.’ When you have faith in each other, you allow love to carry the weight of the conflict. Love overcomes all things, so allow its power to work wonders in your marriage.
The biggest conflict in marriage often stems from communication issues. Misunderstandings, unspoken expectations, or ineffective listening can escalate minor disagreements into larger problems. Other common sources include financial strain, differing parenting styles, or unmet emotional needs. You will often find that open dialogue and empathy are key to resolving and preventing these conflicts.
Many couples find the first 5 years challenging due to adjusting to living together, managing finances, or navigating shared responsibilities. Another difficult period can be around the 7-10 year mark. This is often linked to career stress or raising children. Focusing on teamwork and mutual support helps overcome these hurdles.
Yes, it is normal. Arguments are a natural part of any close relationship and can help address differences. Healthy arguments, when respectful and constructive, strengthen a marriage by improving understanding and resolving issues. The key is maintaining kindness and avoiding patterns of blame or defensiveness.
At the end of it all, it’s wise to remember that your partner doesn’t enjoy conflicts and arguing–nobody does. We all have a desire to live in harmony, and the sooner you can focus on that goal, the sooner you resolve problems. Sometimes, you may have to consider professional help, especially if conflicts keep getting out of hand. However, don’t forget to bring the lessons you learn from faith into your marriage.
