Montco Mommy: Balancing Supervision

Melissa Treacy•

Life is all about balance. It is about finding the time for family and work. It is light and dark. It is good and bad. No matter where you look, you’re constantly trying to find the proper balance to both get necessary goals accomplished, and aspirations enjoyed.

Much of parenting is about that same balance. Are you providing enough hugs and kisses and love? Did you discipline that situation correctly? Are you forcing enough chores? Are you allowing for enough down time? Should your kids be more active? Have less screen time? Work more? Play more? The balance struggles are endless.

The real challenge with parenting balances especially is the uncertainty. There is no “right” or “wrong” answer in parenting. There is no single way to do it. There is also no great way to gauge “how you’re doing.” You hope you are doing the right things at the right times, but in the long run you may never live to know just how well you did (or didn’t do).

One of my struggles of late is the balance of independence versus supervision. With an almost-11-year-old and 13-year-old, we are entering the peak days of learning to do things on one’s own. You want them to learn to do their own laundry, to cook, to care for themselves without (or OK, with few) reminders. You’re creating adults, that you hope someday will contribute to society, not need support, and not need assistance.

The classroom becomes a focus of this battle quite often. How much freedoms do you allow your budding students? And how often should you be monitoring their daily “to dos?” It frustrates me greatly, and I never can seem to find that perfect balance.

Every child is different, too, which of course just adds to the struggle. I have one very independent learner, who without much effort, does very well in school. She is organized and studious. I seldom have to track her work.

I have another child who would leave his own head behind if it weren’t attached. He is disorganized and struggles to remember things. He lacks focus and the ability to truly study, read for long periods or concentrate.

Given the two very different ends of the spectrum, I of course have to alter my techniques with each. For my daughter, very light monitoring works. I ask her if she has done her homework. I remind her there is a test Friday. I offer to proofread essays or study with her if she needs, but she almost always declines.

With my son, I feel like I should probably quit work and attend class with him. I have to constantly monitor the online grade-posting system. I have to check homework files from teachers online. I have to ask and ask and ask again if something has been done. Once the project is done, I have to ask if it is in his bag. Did he hand it in? Did he get that paper signed? Did he return it to the teacher?

It is an endless barrage of questioning, annoying both sides of the inquisition. However, I’ve yet to find a way for him to have a go on his own, yet monitor his progress frequently enough to catch the shortcomings.

As usual, I don’t have the solution. I don’t aim to have my columns be a constant whine session of problems. However, I find it healthy for parents to both understand they “aren’t alone,” while also fostering a space for folks to think about our options. We all make choices, every day and every minute, on how to raise our children. And there are clearly countless ways to do so.

Instead of insisting I know, because let’s face it, no one does, I like asking what the right thing to do is? What have you tried? What worked? What failed? Thankfully, the world of online editorials offers a unique space to open up such conversations.

For my kiddos, at the end of the day, I am doing the best I can each and every day. I hope my best is the “right way” or at least a way that works for us. I hope I don’t hover too much, so they can become independent and confident adults. I hope I’m not too distant, so they know I’m always there to catch them if they fall or wipe a tear from their cheek.

Again, it is all about balance. And, no, I may never know the answers. I have to hope what I am doing is best for us, and the only measurement of my work as a mother is those two amazing humans I’m helping to form. I aim for their happiness, for their development, for their health. And so far, they seem to be doing just fine. I’ll hope that means I’m minimally not messing them up too badly as their mother.